


Do You Miss How It Felt?

by Flavoredfaeman



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Disassociation, Hurt/Comfort, I wrote this to cope, Moral Dilemmas, Past, The comfort does not last, but its not about their relationship, contemplating your past and your humanity, it about brian and his thought process with himself and life, jonny comforts brian once and then leaves him on a sun, kinda sad ending? It's not too bad but it's not happy, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26604934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flavoredfaeman/pseuds/Flavoredfaeman
Summary: Brian wakes up feeling cold and contemplates his lifeWorking title: I'm sad and a kinnie
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Do You Miss How It Felt?

**Author's Note:**

> Cw:  
> Disassociation  
> Minor blood  
> Contemplation over Brian's past  
> Doc Carmilla is mentioned briefly  
> Brian doesn't see himself as human anymore
> 
> It's all pretty light these are just in case, lmk if you want any other warnings!

Brian woke up feeling cold.  
It was not due to the temperature of the room around him as he could barely feel temperature shifts anymore (the closest he could normally get was the thermometer in the back of his mind that kept him constantly aware of the exact temperature wherever he was).  
So no it was not the room temperature. It might have been the coolant that ran through his artificial veins but again, it wasn't something he would say he could particularly feel.  
Brian was just cold today. A dull, stinging cold that hurt the back of his throat and made his hands numb.  
After a few moments of mulling over this coldness Brian got up and got dressed. He looked at himself in his mirror (a reasonably sized one embedded in the wall of his bathroom) and inspected his brass skin.  
He brushed along the slight divots where two plates meet.  
Brian would like to say that he couldn't remember a time when there had been anything different (and surely if he had been in ejm he would have), alas he did remember.  
The last time he had seen himself was in the reflection of him in his spaceship as he was thrown into space. His skin seemingly see through, showing the stars beyond, his eyes wide and frightened, the blood… well, it was really best not to dwell on it.  
That man was no more. What Carmilla had done to him cost him so much, and it left him someone new.  
Brian often wondered if the man he once was was more like him or like ejm. Part of him felt like it had to have been him, mje, as it was the switch he preferred to be on. However people were so much more complex than that.  
For instance, no matter the switch he was on he always agreed with the choice he made.  
To save the priest.  
Currently he couldn't understand emj,s thought process, but it went as follows. While the means of bringing the priest back to life with the technology he despised was immoral, the end of bringing the priest back to his daughter was ultimately justified.  
Meanwhile mje's thought process was as follows. The means of bringing the priest back were morally justified as the technology was not harmful, and it was at the daughter's request (and as the priest was in no state to give consent to the procedure, that fell to the daughter), justified the end of the priest being unhappy and Brian's subsequent demise.  
It was one of the only morally charged things that stayed a constant, even if the thought process changed, and that showed just how complex the human mind truly was.  
Brian wasn't sure if he missed it or not, being human that is. There was no doubt in his mind that where he was now is the best place he has ever been or will ever be.  
But he missed it sometimes, being human. There was this feeling that came with it, a certain realness and certainty that he just couldn't attain like this.  
Things about him could be changed, things about him had been changed.  
He was not the real Brian anymore. Just a robot stealing that man's name.  
Brian winced at the thought, and carefully ran his fingers through his hair. There were almost never any knots, but the routine had always made him feel more alive. Today it just reminded him that he was faking this all, he wasn't real, not in the ways that mattered.  
But still Brian straightened up his clothes, donned his hat, and left his room to make some breakfast.

About an hour or so later, Jonny found Brian staring at a pan with a couple of uncooked eggs in it.  
Jonny furrowed his brows and upon examination saw that the stove was not on.  
Brian was staring absently at the eggs, standing stock still and unblinking.  
Jonny opted for humer.  
"Damn Brian, keep at that and the eggs might just blink first."  
Brian blinked at that, and slowly, he looked to Jonny. Brian's expression didn't change.  
Jonny swallowed, immediately wanting to scurry away rather than be the sole focus of Brian's intense gaze, but curiosity got the better of him.  
"You know you've got to turn the stove on to cook the eggs." Jonny pointed out, gesturing towards the stovetop.  
Brian looked back down and blinked again, right before his face crumpled.  
"Oh," he whispered, voice small and strained.  
Jonny shifted in place uneasily.  
Brian took a stuttering breath. "I-I don't even know why I was making them really. I just hoped-I just thought that maybe-" Brian's voice broke at that point and he buried his face in his hands.  
Jonny found himself unsure what to do. Should he comfort Brian? Jonny wasn't even sure what was going on. He couldn't just run off and leave Brian alone like this, could he?  
So Jonny stood there, unable to leave but nervous to comfort.  
The next few moments stretched on like an eternity before Brian said, "I can't even cry like a person," muffled into his palms.  
Maybe Brian couldn't cry, but he could make his voice sound so broken that it snapped Jonny into place.  
Jonny ran up to Brian and pulled the man down into his arms.  
Brian shook his head against Jonny's shoulder. "Can't even eat, just thought making some eggs would help with the cold."  
Jonny hated when Brian's voice was like this, broken and fragile. He rarely heard it like this anymore, but the first few years after Brian joined them it was the only way his voice sounded.  
Jonny held Brian tighter.  
"Who gives a shit if you can't cry right, or eat some stupid eggs? You're Brian, you're here, and you're real. You're our drumbot and we'd rather you here like than anywhere else."  
Brian made a choked gasping noise, like he was crying, and buried his head further into Jonny.  
After a pause, where Brian's breathing seemed to go more normal Jonny spoke again, softer this time.  
"Is there anything I can do to help?"  
When Brian didn't respond for a while, Jonny wondered if he shouldn't have asked.  
"This," Brian whispered. "This helps. I… thank you, Jonny."  
"Yeah yeah." Jonny brushed aside the thanks with a role of his eyes and a pat of his hand against Brian's back. "So like, human contact helps then? Or like me bashing your dumb brain for being an ass?"  
Brian giggled softly, "Both I suppose. Just… making me remember I'm here and you care."  
Jonny grunted in response and leaned his head so it bumped Brian's hat.

They stood like that for who knows how long, and if anyone walked by and saw they certainly didn't comment on it.  
Nor did anyone question it when Jonny told Raph that she should look into upgrading certain parts of Brian's mechanism.  
Maybe they didn't even notice when Jonny seemed to make a point of sitting as close to Brian as possible.  
Maybe none of the other's cared that the two seemed closer now.  
Or perhaps they knew somehow this was going to be a short lived thing.

Less than a decade later Jonny found himself drunk as a skunk and Brian found himself sitting in a sun.  
Perhaps some things are not meant to last.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this go check out my other Mechs fic! It's a lot happier but still very much hurt/comfort (and it'll have a happier ending dw).
> 
> You can also find me at: @Flavoredfaeman on insta and tiktok


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